Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Sordid Secrets They Don't Tell You

Can I just say, I AM SO SICK OF POOP! and vomit and snot. I am sick of wiping other peoples bottoms and noses. I am sick of Lysol.

I just changed the girls' sheets yesterday. This is not a small job. With three beds full of bedding, the laundry machine is going all day and I am sweaty by the time I am done tucking and lifting and pulling tight. I am always impressed with myself when I make my body contort in the necessary ways to accomplish the making of bunk beds set in corners.

During the night, one child vomited all over her bed. Another child had an accident--of the bad kind--on her bed. So, back in the wash go the mattress pads, the sheets, the pillow cases, the blankets.

The same child who had an accident in her bed decided she would do me a favor by cleaning it up by her three year old self. You know the scene (and it is a little raw) so I won't describe it for you.

The baby has a lot of snot and she doesn't yet understand how to blow. Result? Well, you know.

I don't remember anyone telling me this part about motherhood. Oh, yes, you get to choose their names and dress them up and read them stories, but you also get to deal with a lot of bodily fluids--and solids. Your house will smell like poo until your youngest is about 4 1/2--by then, of course, your oldest will be a teenager, so you'll get a new smell (socks and armpits). So, really, your house will stink for about 24 years!

Oh, goody.


  1. Oh Gawd. Ohgawdohgawdohgawd. You poor thing!!! Lots of sympathy coming from Chicago. Wish I could send ya something more... like a hotel room with a fluffy white robe and jacuzzi tub. But until I can swing that....

  2. When I was younger I had friends who had very small families and their mother's changed their bed sheets once a week. I couldn't believe it. We changed ours considerably less frequently. I thought that when I was a mom I would be really clean and change my family's sheets really often. Umm, it hasn't quite worked out that way. Sometimes I can't remember when I last changed them. Is that gross? Oh well.

  3. Urban Mom~~You crack me up! Thanks for the pity and, oh, the fluffy white robe in a quiet, clean room sounds sooo nice.

    Bets~~Um, no. Could never change sheets once a week unless my only hobby was laundry. Don't we both have books to read?

  4. Make a note for when the boys are teenagers. Fork out the extra money for the socks with NO COTTON in them. Those socks wick away the moisture from their sweaty teen-age feet, and thus eliminates the stinky teen-age feet AND shoes! Really! It works! Like a miracle, it's one icky smell you will get to pass up.

    Then get a spray bottle of amonia (I can't spell it, just know to spray it) and spray it on the smelly armpits of the t-shirts. That takes out the body odor and keeps the pits from staining.

    I know, doesn't help with the yuck of the moment, but thought I'd pass on some tips for later. Meanwhile, you have my sympathies and try not to throw up on the vomit.

  5. i don't no what it's like to be a mom but i do no what it's like to have to see snot