When I woke up this morning, the sun was up and making the thickly dewed grass sparkle with its light. It has been nothing but rainy and cold since we lost our Eowyn and my soul yearned for the sun. Out I went, even though I was still in my nightgown, into the rejuvenating rays. All of nature was waiting for the sun's appearance as eagerly as was I--I know because I wasn't the only creature out and about first thing in the morning. The butterflies floated happily from one barely opened blossom to another. The bees added a general hum to the air as they gathered their treats from the pine trees. The birds were nearly deafening as they called to each other and cheered the bright, warm morning. My feet soaked up the refreshing dew and my black hair soaked up the warmth. I breathed deeply and felt some of the broken parts of me reaching out for repair. I thanked our Heavenly Father for the love I felt in the world around me and pleaded again for help to heal those broken parts.
The day was a healthy one that included lots of work. It was the first day this year in which I sweated in the heat of the day under the toil of laboring in the yard. That, too, always helps to heal.
I find myself coming back to myself more and more while at home, but am still confused about how to be while I am out. There are billboards with the image of a newborn baby, quiet time by myself to remember my sadness, parents carrying a baby around the store or a song coming from the overhead speakers that trigger my emotions. My usual muses to get me out of my reverie are not available. I do not have a home to repair or projects to tackle. There is a great deal of help here, at my parent's home, with my regular mothering and household duties. I do not have church responsibilities and, because I am still recovering physically from the delivery of a child, I cannot exercise or work too strenuously.
So, it was good to be outside today. It was good to see everyone showcasing their hobby . . . and all were out today : the antique airplane restorers in the sky, the ATVs on the trails, the old cars and motorcycles and convertibles on the streets and the gardeners working their canvas. There were families on bike rides and dogs catching frisbees in the park. There were children playing in swollen streams and grandpas eating ice cream cones.
And there was me: grateful to have work to do, grateful that my dad has a motorcycle, grateful for maple nut ice cream, grateful for my tireless mother (who is very tired, but who keeps going anyway), grateful for my five healthy and with me children . . .
and grateful for the sun . . .
and The Son.